Confessions of a Manic Mamma

Confession # 1: I’m up way too late… working.

This means that I have a terrible lack of boundaries and I should be in bed.  Or at least making the kids’ lunches for tomorrow. It’s probably not the best decision to stay up late drawing graphs of workloads and timetables, staring at a giant white board that our coworkers diligently filled to the brim today. So many words in blue and black marker, in an attempt to categorize the stages of our educational startup.

I should be sleeping but…

Confession # 2: I’m a little bit manic.

After three insane months of getting settled in a new city, starting the kids in school, joining a new team of colleagues and adjusting to a new culture, I’m finally starting to glimpse where our business is headed… and I’m sleeping less and my adrenaline is pumping a little too much.  YES. I recognize that I’m exhausted yet wired and that’s probably not healthy.

I should probably stop drinking coffee but, well, that’s just silly.

So in case anyone reading (like my mom) is starting to worry, we aremaking good choices… we’ll go on vacation in 3 days! We’ll watch TV and swim with the kids. And maybe we won’t even take our computers?  But yeah, we need a break. I see that.

Confession # 3: I See A Counselor 

Once a week I meet virtually with my counselor from back home.  For some this might be the most awkward of confessions (you’re thinking, Oh that poor girl, she shouldn’t have told us so much!), but for those who know and love me, you’re relieved I’m making time for it.  Americans say there is a stigma around counselors and the topic of mental health. But in case it’s any encouragement, this topic is just as taboo here in India.

Too many cultures are uncomfortable talking about mental health unless it’s a part of one’s past that is no longer happening.  In this case it is that individual’s story of victory.

But my victory is a life lived in surrender to Jesus, who walks with me on a wild international adventure when I’m just not up to adventure. 

As I follow Jesus He teaches me and grows me through times of anxiety and occasionally depression.  I have learned that my biggest trigger is transition.

Transition. From one life stage to another.  From one country to another.  And each time I dialogue with my counselor she brings me back to the big decisions I’ve already made.  She brings up my faith, and reminds me over and overthat I am merely in transition. 

I am still in transition!

This helps me to go another week.  Because talking with my counselor allows me to realize just how great our entire family is doing.

We are all happy! We have made friends! We are learningto be just fine in a new city of 25 million where my husband can drive stick (while yelling the appropriate Hindi phrases out the window when necessary), I can order groceries in another language, and my kids have learned a Fijian dance at school.  Realizing all of this makes me feel great.

Confession # 4: My Journey Contains Suffering

God has given me exponential joy through a journey that included deep dark valleys.

Yes, I have had to accept that God sometimes allows us to walk through hurtful, difficult seasons.  Yes, good people still experience hardship.  I’m sorry, there is just too much talk of suffering in the historic teachings of Jesus to say that God will keep us from all suffering.

God has walked with me through impossible seasons that have only given me a stronger faith in Him –not in spite of the scary times—but because in those times I learned that God is fully capable when I am not.

The dark valleys do not disprove the presence of God—they have proven His constant presence in the darkness.

Confession # 5: I Am Not Broken

I may get a little crazy.  I do have to work harder at staying calm(deep breaths, people).  But I am loved and strong and I am who God made me to be.  I am learning to lean into my strengths instead of reciting my weaknesses (another gem from my counselor).

So right now I’m going to give up on that crazy-looking white board of plans and breathe some lavender and go to bed.  Because my husband is in the other room recording new music and my kids are sleeping happy after three loooong storybooks and I have survived my first Indian monsoon.  Things can only go up from here.

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Note: Photo from compfight.com